Tony Blair has announced plans to invade Thailand in the aftermath of the Chilcot Inquiry, an investigation in to the UK’s role in the Iraq war.
War criminal Blair, living freely despite being responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths as a result of the war, has been at the centre of the investigation, and gave a speech after the publication of the inquiry.
He confirmed that despite apologising and claiming to regret everything that happened surrounding Iraq, he would do the exact same thing again, and thus announced details of his plan to do the exact same thing again, but this time in Thailand.
He explained, “Well we felt with sequels coming out so long after the original in the last year for movies like Zoolander and Independence Day recently, why not do a sequel to Iraq?”
When pressed on why exactly Thailand had been chosen as the location for his latest invasion, Blair explained, “Well you always choose a more exotic location for the sequel, don’t you? Usually with a lot of the same elements that made it great the first time. Look at The Hangover II… That was a success! And it was filmed in Thailand!”
One horrified journalist from the Bangkok Post attempted to convince the blood thirsty former Prime Minister otherwise, pointing out that both Independence Day 2 and Zoolander 2 were terrible movies that were a discredit to the originals.
Blair laughed that off however, explaining, “Yes, but both were box office successes weren’t they? Let me put it to you this way: you don’t hire Adam Sandler if you want to make a good movie do you? You hire Adam Sandler if you want a guaranteed box office return. It’s the same with wars. You don’t start a war if you want peace. You start wars because they have a guaranteed financial return.”
Another member of the press briefing pointed out to Blair that he no longer had any command over the UK military, however Blair brushed it off.
“Well I never had the support of the country, or the UN Security Council, or the majority of European states, but that never stopped me before did it?. George W is in! He loves a good war. Or whatever Bush is in charge of America these days. Oh did Jeb not win the nomination?”
Finally it was put to Blair that Iraq itself was a sequel to the Gulf War fought in the early nineties, however the former Labour leader ignored the question and walked off stage, presumably to the sound of imaginary applause within his own head.